I am usually pretty good at spotting a "helicopter parent". You know the one, the one following
their child around outside, coat in hand, pleading : Please put your coat on, you're going to catch a cold. Child: NO! Parent: Oh come on please put your coat on, you're going to get cold.
I was familiarized with this term when I read my first Love and Logic book by Jim Faye when I was teaching,
before I had children. Then I was reintroduced when Josh and I took a Love and Logic course when
Keegan was 2. Not to mention that I visit this topic WEEKLY with my families that I see for work. THEN WHY SO HARD WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR OWN CHILDREN?
Here are the basics of Love and Logic:
Definition of Love and Logic in Parenting -
Love – Means maintaining a healthy relationship and empowering your child to make their own mistakes.
Logic- Understanding that kids can solve their own problems and as parents we will not bail them out, they have the power to solve problems on their own. When parenting with love and logic you do not have to own your child's problems, it takes away the threats, anger and lecturing.
The book defines 5 parenting types and how they help or hinder child's development:
Helicopter Parent – the parent that will not allow their child to fail
The Jet Powered Attack Model Parent – This parent is obsessed with creating the perfect child therefore prevents any kind of self development.
Drill Sergeant Parent – Teaches the child they cannot think for themselves and dictates what the child will do.
The
Laissez-
Faire Parent – Allows the child to parent themselves.
The Consultant Parent – This is the parenting style is best suited for teens. A parent that gives advice and does not dictate and does not give orders.
Well I guess the saying its true, when you spot it, you got it! I was so good at recognizing these parenting traits in others that I have overlooked some of these parenting traits in myself.
I will first give myself credit before I tear myself apart! I stand firm on many things that put me into the NON-helicopter parent role, such things as I do not bring lunch to school when forgotten and that goes for homework too. I do not overly coddle when they are hurt, if it was a bad judgement on their part.
But there are MANY things that I do that fall into each one of the listed 5 categories. When I just let Josh know of my knowing that I can be a helicopter/drill
sargent parent - he let me know that he was well aware of this but I just do it because I care.
This Love and Logic parenting looks very different when you have a toddler, a preschooler and an elementary age child and I can only imagine how different it will look when we have teenage children and even more so when we have adult children.
Why is it so hard to think of logical consequences rather than punishing, not get angry, not lecture and not give empty threats? It actually would make things much easier to do things the other way.
The event that sparked all this thought was tonight the kids were playing downstairs by themselves (Sophia napping) while I was blogging...I heard a big crash, then
Keegan came up and asked me to promise not to be mad? 9That's never a good start to a sentence.) but he climbed or leaned on the red table downstairs and it crashed to the ground. I was upset. Upset that the nice table my mother had bought
Keegan on his second Christmas was demolished and angry that we have to remind our kids of the same rules over and over again. But you know what? I am also happy that his actions produced a natural consequence - the table broke and he was a little hurt. Then we gave a logical consequence that he will pay to replace the broken table. I must add that one of the chairs were also broken by Sam at another time (Guess we'll be making Sam pay for that one). I am still angry as I type but I am also happy that a learning opportunity
occurred for both myself and the kids.
It made me think of little things I do that
don't allow the children to fail or have logical consequences...
Reminding them over and over again that they need to come have dinner - I mean my gosh they might starve or I will have to make them something later and then they will whine and all this work Ive put into making dinner was completely wasted. - as I type this it seems so obvious - DUH they
don't come to dinner, their dinner goes into the trash and they do not eat.
I'm sure one (maybe two for our stubborn children) times of this and I'm almost positive that they will come to dinner the first time. Why do I spend my time whining, pleading, yelling?
I am having such an epiphany - I have had all this knowledge -and utilized it only in certain situations - I must utilize it in ALL situations.
I am making it my goal to utilize this wonderful information that I have stored in my brain about using Love and Logic. I am constantly shifting between all the parenting styles...but I am
committing to the
cyber-world that I am dedicated to being a consultant parent. It is my gift to myself and to our children. Remember the inconvenience, uncomfortableness, or pain they will feel now is much less than what they will feel as teenagers or adults if they are not allowed to learn from mistakes now. Please help me, dear God. I hope it's not too late. :)
Sophie at the bottom of picture.
(Normally the hat goes down over her eyes but I put it up so we could see her eyes for the picture.)
